grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
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“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?