Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
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Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
titanic
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
*pronounces surface like Versace*
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.