*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
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stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.