I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
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The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!