“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
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Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.