I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
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I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.