them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
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Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot