8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
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Meat Cute
Seems kinda suspicious
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.