Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
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Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
I don’t know what to do
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.