Going to church you guys need anything
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Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.