The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
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Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.