My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
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Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
the greatest twitter interaction
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?