I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
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I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
I have written yet another poem about laundry
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?