Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
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[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
🤣😂
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.