BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
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I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
3% human
97% stress
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.