[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
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Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit