me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
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oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
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