It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
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me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.