I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
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Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
This squirrel eats better than I do
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend