God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
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Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.