BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
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[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.