Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
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When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…