Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
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“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Sign of the day..
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.