ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
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IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
When you’ve simply given up.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic