Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
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me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son