What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
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High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Get in loser we’re going crying
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE