Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
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I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
🙄😏😂🤣
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
i smell a pulitzer
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.