[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
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“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks