Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
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“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.