Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
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Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout