*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
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She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice