They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
You Might Also Like
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late