Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
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[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Who called it baking and not making love
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl