When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
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I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
lmfao
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Pigeon open mic night.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park