They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
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Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
forgive me baja for i have blast
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4