when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
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me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”