My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
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Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
They’re really bad with fonts.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Wake me when AI does housework
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life