Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
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I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
True
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
fr
i will not be silenced
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.