I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
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being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
me: my friends:
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.