Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
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Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
whenever i wake up before my alarm
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.