*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
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Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?