“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
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[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
fr
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.