Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
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Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
I hope this email punches you square in the face
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
first you must answer his riddles
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?