Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
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Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.