what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
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Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick