running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
You Might Also Like
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.