yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
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Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
house sitting!
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Breaking news:
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes