“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
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I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
This could’ve been an email.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
So creative 😂