I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
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Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
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Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Birds & Planes.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Happy Halloween 🎃
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
BaD BoY!!