I really had high hopes for this year though
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if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…